Fighting My Battle Not So Courageously

I am living one of the days where I don’t have enough strength left in me to hold myself out of bed and continue with life. It’s one of those days when a thought of conversating with friends and family drains me.

It’s one of those days when I can’t decide whether to enjoy the good weather or stand firm waiting to face the storm. It’s one of those days when pouring in the heavy rainfall and suffocating my body makes so much sense than moving to find a shelter.

It’s one of those days where I don’t have the tools to defend any statement, gesture or even myself. It’s one of those days when losing and winning are all the same. They’re both similarly unrewarding.

It’s one of those days when I have lost the meaning of being strong.

Does being strong mean that you should hide your emotions and hide how you’re feeling? Does it mean that you should care less about everything and anything and act like nothing ever shakes you? Does it mean that you shouldn’t cry since crying means you’re weak and ready to give up?

It’s one of those days where my strength has become more of a risk than a benefit.

It’s one of those days when I have started to doubt to what extent I should depend on my strength without having another person to be dependent on or how much longer can I truly make it all alone.

It’s one of those days when all I need is somebody to be there for me for a little time until I discover my strengths once again when all I need is to fall and realize that somebody is there to rescue me.

It’s one of those days when I think about whether my strength is sufficient to help myself as I move forward in life. If it is sufficient to repair my broken heart or if it’s sufficient to rely upon when I become weaker.

 

It’s Okay to Fail

You are permitted to fall and fail, not once, not twice, but rather multiple times. You are one hundred percent allowed to get up and try again.

It is okay and completely normal to fail when you are in your twenties, in your thirties, in forties, or at whatever point in life. You are not allowed to hold age as a hindrance.

You are allowed to encounter new things and expand your viewpoints. You are not permitted to remain stuck in a similar place since you’re terrified. You are authorized to go out on a limb and push your potential. You are not allowed to feel that errors make you powerless.

It is humanly possible to fail a relationship but you’re not allowed to be stuck in your past. You are allowed to feel pitiful and disheartened yet you’re not allowed to quit having confidence in yourself.

You are allowed to hate all the negative and bad things in this world but you’re not allowed to quit battling for the great and good that is left in it.

It’s okay to feel and be in pain but it’s not okay to believe that you can’t take in a lesson from it. You are allowed to be unfortunate but you’re not allowed to believe that the universe is against you.

You are allowed to stall, crash and fail since you are allowed to be human but you’re not permitted to carry on with an existence without any disappointments since that would imply that you have failed naturally.

Your Betrayal Dimmed Her Light

Before you betray her, know this:

This will break her heart like the fierce shattering of glass as it collides with the ground. It is not as little as it seems, you won’t just make her extremely upset. In bonus, you will break her trust, you will shatter her soul, you will take away all of the happiness. You will take away her little trust left in the world, you will break her feeling of self and destroy her confidence.

It is still not as simple as it sounds, she won’t be able to sleep at night, she will switch sides counting the cracks in the wall of her heart at 3 am looking for answers from God of all the things she believed in. 

She won’t be able to eat properly not because she is upset or she wants to destroy herself but because she cannot believe her fate and the flashbacks of those texts you sent haunts every corner of her mind.

She won’t laugh like she used to not because there’s nothing to laugh for, but rather on the grounds that she doesn’t comprehend what these things are any longer.

Just when you betray her, every time she gets to hear “You are beautiful” she will hear it as “not beautiful enough to stay with.”

Your betrayal will show her to listen “You are amazing,” as “yet not sufficiently amazing.”

It will show her to listen “You mean everything to me,” as “one person is insufficient.”

It will show her to listen “You are the love of my life,” as “I don’t love you enough though.”

Everything will make her cry. She will sit at any place doing nothing until 7:30 pm excessively humiliated by tears spilling quietly down her face to get up and go. She will twist into a ball as soon as she hits her bed, cheek squeezed into the cover.

She will get an irregularity in her throat at whatever time she strolls past places that used to be yours until she chooses to keep away from these places altogether.

She will be frustrated of feeling so helpless. She will snap at her family, friends, and people around her for no clear reason by any stretch of the imagination and when they get stung by her outrage, her cheeks will consume red with disgrace.

As she looks at her own reflection in the mirror while brushing her teeth, she will hate her existence and think if just she were prettier, more entertaining, funnier.

She will feel downgraded, disposed of, dismantled, frustrated, troubled. She will feel dumbfounded and double-crossed.She will feel stupid, frantic, laden and loaded with dread.

She will gag all alone perplexity as she tries to hang tight, yet longs to give up only because she trusted you with her.

You’re Losing Her

It’s the texts you reply to whenever the timing is ideal for you. It’s the snaps she sends you and you take a look then put down your phone. It’s every text you send her when you are bored. It’s the attention you give that is the absolute minimum. Yet, she takes it because for her that minimum time is all she has with you, yet she’s constantly giving you all of her precious time to you.

It’s her support you need that dependable goes addressed without fail. Despite the fact that she’d never ask the same. It’s those nights she wishes would turn into the mornings yet you have some kind of other plans, so you say goodbye.

You are not realizing this, in any case, in all actuality, you’re losing her. You lose her a little by little every time you don’t reply. You lose her more every time you pick another person when she is always choosing you.

You lose her every time you don’t value her. You lose her every time you underestimate her. You lose her  every time she goes to bed wondering to herself, ‘why am I not enough for him?’

In any case, what you don’t understand are the sentiments she has for you that blinds her faith.

Perhaps, one day you’ll lose her for good. Since she will get to a point where there’s nothing more she can bring to the table and she will leave. It will hurt her so much for doing this since she looked at you with wide eyes loaded with confidence that depleted with time.

One day she’ll be the one not answering you. One day those snaps you send will be ignored and it will scare the shit out of you, the minute she begins treating you the way you treated her.

Also, perhaps you’ll think back and recall that was no mystery in her and she didn’t play games like the others. She was a kind that remained loyal.

In future when you will fumble through girls after girls, you’ll almost find something in them all missing. You will look for her in them but she will never be found.

Stop Manipulating Love

My phone was constantly vibrating with a few messages as I was sitting in my car going home. I looked down my phone, seeing a series of messages from my friend and I immediately unlocked my phone thinking there might be some emergency. The next thing I see are the screenshots of a Whatsapp conversation with a guy she’s been talking to.

“Help me Saniya” said one of the messages she sent me.

“Tell me what do I answer him?

Is it a right time to text him back?

Would he reply back as soon as he reads this or would he take time?

Would it be advisable for me to hold up for some time to answer him back?

If I text back this quickly, won’t I seem too desperate?

If I reply late would it look like I’m too arrogant and not into him?”

Don’t think I’m mean or something but yes I smiled a little and took a deep breath as I’m no love guru but I wanted to help my friend in dire need.

So,  before answering to the screenshots she sent me, I thought for a while (merely 10 seconds) and replied back to her:

“Don’t text him too much,”

“Hold up your messages for a short time so it doesn’t look like as you’re available and too desperate, also don’t hold up for too long.”

“Try to use a limited number of emojis.”

As I saw her reading my messages, I felt a little good that at least I calmed down this crazy person and I started to scroll my Facebook feed but there was nothing interesting so I started listening to songs, as I was enjoying my music, a sudden realization hit me up.

My friend is not a loser or an idiot. She’s quite a sensible girl and one of the most charming people I know of. She is so intellectual as she has such a great amount of knowledge about the world to discuss so any person would be fortunate to have her in her life, without even a second thought. She is sensible enough to know it’s stupid to go crazy over a late answer, over a message left on “read,” or over a goddamn emoji. 

But she did not. 

Then I realized that we have turned into a generation that controls love.

Through the effectiveness of meeting some person from just swiping “right,” through the easygoing quality of sending a dog-filtered selfie, through a large number of interactive social apps, it’s turned out to be so fantastically simple to constrain our way into getting consideration.

We choose the right content of a message to send with a fancy grammar, we pick the most accurate Snapchat filter that defines our face 2x beautifully, we hold up the proper measure of time before sending a message back.

The irony is that we always check our phones for a text or a respond and we feel like dying if none comes our direction.

Our minds are so manipulated that we doubt why the messages have stopped coming the minute we quit posting lit selfies. We doubt why the messages are left on “read” the minute we quit having something fascinating to talk about. 

Understanding this, I wish I didn’t tell my friend each one of those commands I gave. I wish I had advised her to message him whatever she feels like since she has to be true to herself and if he is the right guy, he wouldn’t see any problem with it.

I wish I told her that in case that he didn’t answer, she should stop waiting for him and put her phone down and go carry on with her life.

I wish I told her that she doesn’t need anyone to control her life and her feelings, that she doesn’t need any approval of any person to know how endlessly fascinating and interesting she is.

We don’t have to control our way into getting love. At the point when it’s meant to be, we’ll know.

 

Dear Men, Please Don’t Cheat

Dear Men,

 
I know there are a variety of choices available to you and while it looks too great to leave behind, you should realize that the girl sitting back at home waiting for you has feelings. The feeling she has for you is crude and fiercely legitimate.

While you might consider that having fallen in love is frightening, the girl waiting for your message is petrified. However, even in the midst of her doubt about love and relationship, she is still with you.

She was raised on the values of devotion and loyalty which she keeps on maintaining in her adult life. Have you at any point asked her how after a number of battles and frightful fights, she’s still with you? Did you ever ask yourself for what good reason she is still with you despite the fact that there are other men who can take better care of her and are more qualified than you?

The appropriate answer lies somewhere inside her heart, a place that you have occupied for the a while now. This is on the grounds that she adores you and she will remain wildly faithful to you.

She has confidence in “through thick and thin” and “we are forever” which is an attribute of hers that you shouldn’t underestimate.

She leaves almost everything to tune into your stories paying little mind to how fatigued, unexciting or tedious as they might be. When your jokes are cheesy, she laughs in light of the fact that you are her most loved entertainer.

Regardless of how busy her life is, she prioritizes you in her life. Never underestimate that she is dependably there for you whether it’s physically or from a far distance. She doesn’t think your messages are annoying during work days; truth be told, talking to you is her happy zone.

Beyond any doubt, there are a lot of girls out there for you to give attention to, yet none will have the capacity to love you as much as your girl can.

If you ever develop a thought of pushing all this aside, start reconsidering your decision.

Love doesn’t come knocking on your door twice and the love that you’ve encountered with her is not one to discard that effectively. Deep down you know how incredible your girl is, and when your mind tells you that other girls may not come close to her rank, listen to it. She cherishes you and that is something you should remember if you ever feel motivated to cheat on her.

Her Tears Don’t Make Her Weak

Her tears aren’t an indication of weakness. They’re a sign of bravery and heroism.

A few people don’t have the quality to fall. They drift on the edge of a cliff, afraid of falling down, anxious of what will happen next and what are the chances if they let themselves reach the bottom.

But she has already taken the leap— into your reality, into your world. She anticipated that you would hold up there, to return all that she was ready to give you, yet you let her down. You frustrated her. You demolished the trust covered up within her.

So now, all she can do is cry.

Cry about the way you’ve been treating her. Cry about how she trusted this person being unique and different. Cry about all that you aren’t and all that she isn’t.

Don’t feel too lucky to hurt her because of a large part of those tears aren’t for you. They’re about shedding her old self and blooming once more.

She doesn’t shout out of outrage and anger or even misfortune. She doesn’t cry over the past, despite the fact that the past is what’s been playing on a loop in her thoughts. It will take her time to realize, but she has cried over the future she lost and the new future she wanted to make beautiful.

She doesn’t know what the universe has in store for her, so she shouts out of blackness and confusion. Would it be a good idea for her to erase your number from her phone? Would it be a good idea for her to attempt to fix things up with you? Would it be a good idea for her to go out with her friends or would it be a good idea for her to creep under the sheets until she chokes?

She doesn’t know which way would take a peaceful turn of her life. She doesn’t know what will lead her to satisfaction and what will lead her to destruction.

She shouldn’t feel awful about those tears coming out. They aren’t something to hide under pillowcases or, they aren’t an indication that she has committed a mistake, that she’s a loser or that she needs to get herself together.

They’re an indication that she’s human with feelings. That she’s becoming mature. That she’s getting to be plainly alright with her feelings and mostly that she is getting to be noticeably contented as a woman.

Since strong girls aren’t hesitant to cry, it’s the society that has attached abnormal attributes of being a strong woman. They don’t build up walls of bricks to keep the feelings away. They open up windows, high and wide, to let the feelings inside.
Since feeling is the only tactic you’re going to realize what you want, what you need, what you are.

The feeling is the only way that will help you find and discover your truth.