Don’t Lose Yourself Finding Someone Else

The person you thought you completely knew inside out has turned out to be simply one stranger in your life. It hurts because you cannot figure out how can everything so beautiful turn into simply nothing in a blink of an eye. It hurts more knowing that you knew the wrong person and it was not them all this time, but, the harsh reality of life is that people change.  Their love changes. Heartbreak changes a person. Life changes a person.

You can’t let them go despite the fact that they are no longer in your life, yet you are keeping them alive in your mind.

It’s been days, weeks, months, possibly years, since things have changed. The instant text messages that used to put a smile all over. The late night phone call you stayed and sat tight for. The inside jokes that never got any less interesting. The posts they tagged you in at whatever point something helped them to remember you.

In any case, it did not stop you from re-reading old chats a hundred times. You are still wide awake at 2 A.M, but you need to accept the reality because you’re the only one keeping the memory of them alive.

You cannot accept the fact that they have moved on in their life without you and forgotten you and you’re constantly trying your hardest to bring them back into your life.

You still believe that they’ll understand all that they’ve been missing out without you, that one day they’ll find their way back to you. Speaking of so many truths, not every person is meant to be in your life, and that is alright. A few people are sent to us to open our eyes to new skylines, others to show us brutal substances we needed to see.

While finding ways to bring them back into your life, you’re losing yourself.

You’ve torn down parts of yourself to build a castle for them. You’ve made a world where your happiness relies on other person and without acknowledging it, you’re losing yourself little by little. You’ve overlooked the person you were before them. The person who had dreams, the person who knew their value. You’ve invested so much time and vitality putting your confidence in another person when the only person you’ve needed confidence in is yourself.

You are sufficiently strong to say goodbye to things that aren’t right for you. You can survive the hardest of heartbreaks. You will discover your way to bliss, regardless of whether others are there to go along with you or not.

 

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Embrace Your Pain

Happiness is a topic that has been widely discussed yet few feel that they have really achieved the state of happiness. Majority of us are battling with pain that we prefer not to share with others. We prefer not to be seen as “weak”, “emotional” or “delicate.”

So what do we do? We push the pain far down within us. We groom ourselves on the outside. We paint on happy faces and tell everybody “I’m doing fine”. Possibly we are fine, but that is temporary.

Problem with pain is that it seeps out of you in ways you cannot even imagine. Perhaps you snap at somebody for no reason. Perhaps you burst into tears when you cannot find your matching shirt when you are late for class. Maybe you stop meeting your friends and cancel going out with them. Regardless of how your pain shows itself, believe that it will come spilling out of you like a furious stream that cannot be contained.

The best way to traverse your pain is to accept, acknowledge and confront it.

When you sadness is overpowering you, let it out. Cry as long or as much as you can. Do not dictate yourself to get over with it and move on. Take as long as you can to genuinely embrace the pain.

You might become tired of listening to cliche phrases like “time heals all” or “pain does not last forever.” In some cases, pain doesn’t leave. Some of the time facing the pain means how to live with it. Some pains in life don’t blur with time. It might feel as fresh to you a long time from now as it does at this time. While it may not leave totally, confronting it will enable you to keep on growing through it. You will be more grounded and wiser as a result of it. Dodging your pain will just keep you stuck in a perpetual cycle of sorrow and pity.

One Day This Will Make Sense

One day all of this will make sense.

The pain you experienced, the harsh words, the broken friendships, the people who promised to stay but left you feeling little and hurt. One day you will think about it and understand. You will understand that pain is a natural part of life, that what you experience just makes you more grounded. That every other person is imperfect and so are you.

The university you could not get in, the job you didn’t get, each time that you failed, the streets you went down, just to discover they were dead-ends, one day you will understand that life is not an easy path. That you don’t, and won’t have every one of the appropriate responses and this is alright. That life is tied in with exploring the unnavigable, and each step that you take is crucial, that each wrong turn just develops your delightful story.

One day you will look back at this and feel proud of the person you have become.

Your broken heart, the betrayal, the person you thought would remain in your life perpetually leaving when you needed him the most. One day you’ll never feel a single thing when someone will take their name, your heart won’t hurt this much, your heartache will be replaced by a new person who will love you truly.

One day this heartache will be just a faint memory.

All that you’ve experienced, every one of the obstacles, the heartbreak, the fear, the stress, the bitterness, one day you’ll realize that each step forward, every dead-end, each change, every memory has made you what you are today and has taught you important lessons.

I’m Still Learning..

“Nothing remains the same” – this is the thing that I’ve learned while growing up. Obviously, I knew this from the very start, yet I always tried my best to fight it. I need to understand. I need to know what is going on around me. I need to know where I’m going and see the past and the present. I need to go and go and go and surge and take everything in, taste it, turn it around in my brain until the point that I get bleary eyed.

Something I’ve just learnt is how to back off and stand. Something I’m learning is the manner by which to stay composed.

Something I’ve learnt is how to be still and how to stay composed when your mind is a mess.

Yet I’m still figuring out how to calm the hurricane contemplations in my mind. I’m figuring out how to close my eyes and inhale profoundly, notice the earth, the sky, the trace of elegant scent, the doughnut shop down the road, the cotton in the pillows.

I’m learning how to give life a chance to happen—to me and everything around me and smile, even though the I’m a mess (yes, I mentioned it earlier too).  I’ve discovered that I can’t have answers held in the palm of my hand or composed some place on a sheet of scrap paper, prepared to be pulled from the pocket and read when life appears to drift from its way.

I’m learning that occasionally what I know will definitely change, and I will just exhaust myself in attempt to keep it, attempting to run when I’m just supposed to walk, attempting to love someone when they don’t and deserve to be set free.

I’m learning that I can’t surge my choices, Allah’s decisions for me or the emotions composed in another person’s heart. I don’t have a control of this; I should trust, let go, and let life play out.

I’m learning to be still and not seek for what is yet to come, but rather celebrate what I have, and be prepared for whatever Allah has gotten ready for me next.

I’m learning that life is significantly more excellent when I quit attempting to have the appropriate responses when I quit aiming to compose my own particular way, when I quit trying to consistently be something, be some place, and instead just simply be.

 

Fighting My Battle Not So Courageously

I am living one of the days where I don’t have enough strength left in me to hold myself out of bed and continue with life. It’s one of those days when a thought of conversating with friends and family drains me.

It’s one of those days when I can’t decide whether to enjoy the good weather or stand firm waiting to face the storm. It’s one of those days when pouring in the heavy rainfall and suffocating my body makes so much sense than moving to find a shelter.

It’s one of those days where I don’t have the tools to defend any statement, gesture or even myself. It’s one of those days when losing and winning are all the same. They’re both similarly unrewarding.

It’s one of those days when I have lost the meaning of being strong.

Does being strong mean that you should hide your emotions and hide how you’re feeling? Does it mean that you should care less about everything and anything and act like nothing ever shakes you? Does it mean that you shouldn’t cry since crying means you’re weak and ready to give up?

It’s one of those days where my strength has become more of a risk than a benefit.

It’s one of those days when I have started to doubt to what extent I should depend on my strength without having another person to be dependent on or how much longer can I truly make it all alone.

It’s one of those days when all I need is somebody to be there for me for a little time until I discover my strengths once again when all I need is to fall and realize that somebody is there to rescue me.

It’s one of those days when I think about whether my strength is sufficient to help myself as I move forward in life. If it is sufficient to repair my broken heart or if it’s sufficient to rely upon when I become weaker.

 

It’s Okay to Fail

You are permitted to fall and fail, not once, not twice, but rather multiple times. You are one hundred percent allowed to get up and try again.

It is okay and completely normal to fail when you are in your twenties, in your thirties, in forties, or at whatever point in life. You are not allowed to hold age as a hindrance.

You are allowed to encounter new things and expand your viewpoints. You are not permitted to remain stuck in a similar place since you’re terrified. You are authorized to go out on a limb and push your potential. You are not allowed to feel that errors make you powerless.

It is humanly possible to fail a relationship but you’re not allowed to be stuck in your past. You are allowed to feel pitiful and disheartened yet you’re not allowed to quit having confidence in yourself.

You are allowed to hate all the negative and bad things in this world but you’re not allowed to quit battling for the great and good that is left in it.

It’s okay to feel and be in pain but it’s not okay to believe that you can’t take in a lesson from it. You are allowed to be unfortunate but you’re not allowed to believe that the universe is against you.

You are allowed to stall, crash and fail since you are allowed to be human but you’re not permitted to carry on with an existence without any disappointments since that would imply that you have failed naturally.

Your Betrayal Dimmed Her Light

Before you betray her, know this:

This will break her heart like the fierce shattering of glass as it collides with the ground. It is not as little as it seems, you won’t just make her extremely upset. In bonus, you will break her trust, you will shatter her soul, you will take away all of the happiness. You will take away her little trust left in the world, you will break her feeling of self and destroy her confidence.

It is still not as simple as it sounds, she won’t be able to sleep at night, she will switch sides counting the cracks in the wall of her heart at 3 am looking for answers from God of all the things she believed in. 

She won’t be able to eat properly not because she is upset or she wants to destroy herself but because she cannot believe her fate and the flashbacks of those texts you sent haunts every corner of her mind.

She won’t laugh like she used to not because there’s nothing to laugh for, but rather on the grounds that she doesn’t comprehend what these things are any longer.

Just when you betray her, every time she gets to hear “You are beautiful” she will hear it as “not beautiful enough to stay with.”

Your betrayal will show her to listen “You are amazing,” as “yet not sufficiently amazing.”

It will show her to listen “You mean everything to me,” as “one person is insufficient.”

It will show her to listen “You are the love of my life,” as “I don’t love you enough though.”

Everything will make her cry. She will sit at any place doing nothing until 7:30 pm excessively humiliated by tears spilling quietly down her face to get up and go. She will twist into a ball as soon as she hits her bed, cheek squeezed into the cover.

She will get an irregularity in her throat at whatever time she strolls past places that used to be yours until she chooses to keep away from these places altogether.

She will be frustrated of feeling so helpless. She will snap at her family, friends, and people around her for no clear reason by any stretch of the imagination and when they get stung by her outrage, her cheeks will consume red with disgrace.

As she looks at her own reflection in the mirror while brushing her teeth, she will hate her existence and think if just she were prettier, more entertaining, funnier.

She will feel downgraded, disposed of, dismantled, frustrated, troubled. She will feel dumbfounded and double-crossed.She will feel stupid, frantic, laden and loaded with dread.

She will gag all alone perplexity as she tries to hang tight, yet longs to give up only because she trusted you with her.