One Day This Will Make Sense

One day all of this will make sense.

The pain you experienced, the harsh words, the broken friendships, the people who promised to stay but left you feeling little and hurt. One day you will think about it and understand. You will understand that pain is a natural part of life, that what you experience just makes you more grounded. That every other person is imperfect and so are you.

The university you could not get in, the job you didn’t get, each time that you failed, the streets you went down, just to discover they were dead-ends, one day you will understand that life is not an easy path. That you don’t, and won’t have every one of the appropriate responses and this is alright. That life is tied in with exploring the unnavigable, and each step that you take is crucial, that each wrong turn just develops your delightful story.

One day you will look back at this and feel proud of the person you have become.

Your broken heart, the betrayal, the person you thought would remain in your life perpetually leaving when you needed him the most. One day you’ll never feel a single thing when someone will take their name, your heart won’t hurt this much, your heartache will be replaced by a new person who will love you truly.

One day this heartache will be just a faint memory.

All that you’ve experienced, every one of the obstacles, the heartbreak, the fear, the stress, the bitterness, one day you’ll realize that each step forward, every dead-end, each change, every memory has made you what you are today and has taught you important lessons.


I’m Still Learning..

“Nothing remains the same” – this is the thing that I’ve learned while growing up. Obviously, I knew this from the very start, yet I always tried my best to fight it. I need to understand. I need to know what is going on around me. I need to know where I’m going and see the past and the present. I need to go and go and go and surge and take everything in, taste it, turn it around in my brain until the point that I get bleary eyed.

Something I’ve just learnt is how to back off and stand. Something I’m learning is the manner by which to stay composed.

Something I’ve learnt is how to be still and how to stay composed when your mind is a mess.

Yet I’m still figuring out how to calm the hurricane contemplations in my mind. I’m figuring out how to close my eyes and inhale profoundly, notice the earth, the sky, the trace of elegant scent, the doughnut shop down the road, the cotton in the pillows.

I’m learning how to give life a chance to happen—to me and everything around me and smile, even though the I’m a mess (yes, I mentioned it earlier too).  I’ve discovered that I can’t have answers held in the palm of my hand or composed some place on a sheet of scrap paper, prepared to be pulled from the pocket and read when life appears to drift from its way.

I’m learning that occasionally what I know will definitely change, and I will just exhaust myself in attempt to keep it, attempting to run when I’m just supposed to walk, attempting to love someone when they don’t and deserve to be set free.

I’m learning that I can’t surge my choices, Allah’s decisions for me or the emotions composed in another person’s heart. I don’t have a control of this; I should trust, let go, and let life play out.

I’m learning to be still and not seek for what is yet to come, but rather celebrate what I have, and be prepared for whatever Allah has gotten ready for me next.

I’m learning that life is significantly more excellent when I quit attempting to have the appropriate responses when I quit aiming to compose my own particular way, when I quit trying to consistently be something, be some place, and instead just simply be.


Fighting My Battle Not So Courageously

I am living one of the days where I don’t have enough strength left in me to hold myself out of bed and continue with life. It’s one of those days when a thought of conversating with friends and family drains me.

It’s one of those days when I can’t decide whether to enjoy the good weather or stand firm waiting to face the storm. It’s one of those days when pouring in the heavy rainfall and suffocating my body makes so much sense than moving to find a shelter.

It’s one of those days where I don’t have the tools to defend any statement, gesture or even myself. It’s one of those days when losing and winning are all the same. They’re both similarly unrewarding.

It’s one of those days when I have lost the meaning of being strong.

Does being strong mean that you should hide your emotions and hide how you’re feeling? Does it mean that you should care less about everything and anything and act like nothing ever shakes you? Does it mean that you shouldn’t cry since crying means you’re weak and ready to give up?

It’s one of those days where my strength has become more of a risk than a benefit.

It’s one of those days when I have started to doubt to what extent I should depend on my strength without having another person to be dependent on or how much longer can I truly make it all alone.

It’s one of those days when all I need is somebody to be there for me for a little time until I discover my strengths once again when all I need is to fall and realize that somebody is there to rescue me.

It’s one of those days when I think about whether my strength is sufficient to help myself as I move forward in life. If it is sufficient to repair my broken heart or if it’s sufficient to rely upon when I become weaker.


It’s Okay to Fail

You are permitted to fall and fail, not once, not twice, but rather multiple times. You are one hundred percent allowed to get up and try again.

It is okay and completely normal to fail when you are in your twenties, in your thirties, in forties, or at whatever point in life. You are not allowed to hold age as a hindrance.

You are allowed to encounter new things and expand your viewpoints. You are not permitted to remain stuck in a similar place since you’re terrified. You are authorized to go out on a limb and push your potential. You are not allowed to feel that errors make you powerless.

It is humanly possible to fail a relationship but you’re not allowed to be stuck in your past. You are allowed to feel pitiful and disheartened yet you’re not allowed to quit having confidence in yourself.

You are allowed to hate all the negative and bad things in this world but you’re not allowed to quit battling for the great and good that is left in it.

It’s okay to feel and be in pain but it’s not okay to believe that you can’t take in a lesson from it. You are allowed to be unfortunate but you’re not allowed to believe that the universe is against you.

You are allowed to stall, crash and fail since you are allowed to be human but you’re not permitted to carry on with an existence without any disappointments since that would imply that you have failed naturally.

Your Betrayal Dimmed Her Light

Before you betray her, know this:

This will break her heart like the fierce shattering of glass as it collides with the ground. It is not as little as it seems, you won’t just make her extremely upset. In bonus, you will break her trust, you will shatter her soul, you will take away all of the happiness. You will take away her little trust left in the world, you will break her feeling of self and destroy her confidence.

It is still not as simple as it sounds, she won’t be able to sleep at night, she will switch sides counting the cracks in the wall of her heart at 3 am looking for answers from God of all the things she believed in. 

She won’t be able to eat properly not because she is upset or she wants to destroy herself but because she cannot believe her fate and the flashbacks of those texts you sent haunts every corner of her mind.

She won’t laugh like she used to not because there’s nothing to laugh for, but rather on the grounds that she doesn’t comprehend what these things are any longer.

Just when you betray her, every time she gets to hear “You are beautiful” she will hear it as “not beautiful enough to stay with.”

Your betrayal will show her to listen “You are amazing,” as “yet not sufficiently amazing.”

It will show her to listen “You mean everything to me,” as “one person is insufficient.”

It will show her to listen “You are the love of my life,” as “I don’t love you enough though.”

Everything will make her cry. She will sit at any place doing nothing until 7:30 pm excessively humiliated by tears spilling quietly down her face to get up and go. She will twist into a ball as soon as she hits her bed, cheek squeezed into the cover.

She will get an irregularity in her throat at whatever time she strolls past places that used to be yours until she chooses to keep away from these places altogether.

She will be frustrated of feeling so helpless. She will snap at her family, friends, and people around her for no clear reason by any stretch of the imagination and when they get stung by her outrage, her cheeks will consume red with disgrace.

As she looks at her own reflection in the mirror while brushing her teeth, she will hate her existence and think if just she were prettier, more entertaining, funnier.

She will feel downgraded, disposed of, dismantled, frustrated, troubled. She will feel dumbfounded and double-crossed.She will feel stupid, frantic, laden and loaded with dread.

She will gag all alone perplexity as she tries to hang tight, yet longs to give up only because she trusted you with her.

You’re Losing Her

It’s the texts you reply to whenever the timing is ideal for you. It’s the snaps she sends you and you take a look then put down your phone. It’s every text you send her when you are bored. It’s the attention you give that is the absolute minimum. Yet, she takes it because for her that minimum time is all she has with you, yet she’s constantly giving you all of her precious time to you.

It’s her support you need that dependable goes addressed without fail. Despite the fact that she’d never ask the same. It’s those nights she wishes would turn into the mornings yet you have some kind of other plans, so you say goodbye.

You are not realizing this, in any case, in all actuality, you’re losing her. You lose her a little by little every time you don’t reply. You lose her more every time you pick another person when she is always choosing you.

You lose her every time you don’t value her. You lose her every time you underestimate her. You lose her  every time she goes to bed wondering to herself, ‘why am I not enough for him?’

In any case, what you don’t understand are the sentiments she has for you that blinds her faith.

Perhaps, one day you’ll lose her for good. Since she will get to a point where there’s nothing more she can bring to the table and she will leave. It will hurt her so much for doing this since she looked at you with wide eyes loaded with confidence that depleted with time.

One day she’ll be the one not answering you. One day those snaps you send will be ignored and it will scare the shit out of you, the minute she begins treating you the way you treated her.

Also, perhaps you’ll think back and recall that was no mystery in her and she didn’t play games like the others. She was a kind that remained loyal.

In future when you will fumble through girls after girls, you’ll almost find something in them all missing. You will look for her in them but she will never be found.

Stop Manipulating Love

My phone was constantly vibrating with a few messages as I was sitting in my car going home. I looked down my phone, seeing a series of messages from my friend and I immediately unlocked my phone thinking there might be some emergency. The next thing I see are the screenshots of a Whatsapp conversation with a guy she’s been talking to.

“Help me Saniya” said one of the messages she sent me.

“Tell me what do I answer him?

Is it a right time to text him back?

Would he reply back as soon as he reads this or would he take time?

Would it be advisable for me to hold up for some time to answer him back?

If I text back this quickly, won’t I seem too desperate?

If I reply late would it look like I’m too arrogant and not into him?”

Don’t think I’m mean or something but yes I smiled a little and took a deep breath as I’m no love guru but I wanted to help my friend in dire need.

So,  before answering to the screenshots she sent me, I thought for a while (merely 10 seconds) and replied back to her:

“Don’t text him too much,”

“Hold up your messages for a short time so it doesn’t look like as you’re available and too desperate, also don’t hold up for too long.”

“Try to use a limited number of emojis.”

As I saw her reading my messages, I felt a little good that at least I calmed down this crazy person and I started to scroll my Facebook feed but there was nothing interesting so I started listening to songs, as I was enjoying my music, a sudden realization hit me up.

My friend is not a loser or an idiot. She’s quite a sensible girl and one of the most charming people I know of. She is so intellectual as she has such a great amount of knowledge about the world to discuss so any person would be fortunate to have her in her life, without even a second thought. She is sensible enough to know it’s stupid to go crazy over a late answer, over a message left on “read,” or over a goddamn emoji. 

But she did not. 

Then I realized that we have turned into a generation that controls love.

Through the effectiveness of meeting some person from just swiping “right,” through the easygoing quality of sending a dog-filtered selfie, through a large number of interactive social apps, it’s turned out to be so fantastically simple to constrain our way into getting consideration.

We choose the right content of a message to send with a fancy grammar, we pick the most accurate Snapchat filter that defines our face 2x beautifully, we hold up the proper measure of time before sending a message back.

The irony is that we always check our phones for a text or a respond and we feel like dying if none comes our direction.

Our minds are so manipulated that we doubt why the messages have stopped coming the minute we quit posting lit selfies. We doubt why the messages are left on “read” the minute we quit having something fascinating to talk about. 

Understanding this, I wish I didn’t tell my friend each one of those commands I gave. I wish I had advised her to message him whatever she feels like since she has to be true to herself and if he is the right guy, he wouldn’t see any problem with it.

I wish I told her that in case that he didn’t answer, she should stop waiting for him and put her phone down and go carry on with her life.

I wish I told her that she doesn’t need anyone to control her life and her feelings, that she doesn’t need any approval of any person to know how endlessly fascinating and interesting she is.

We don’t have to control our way into getting love. At the point when it’s meant to be, we’ll know.